Colostomy Whoopee Bags

Hello Dragons

I am asking for a £50,000 investment in return for 15% equity in my company – ‘Colostomy Whoopee Bags’R’Us’.

[Theo Paphitis raises an eyebrow while Peter Jones adjusts his immaculate red tie]

The colostomy bag market is massive with worldwide revenues of $84 million in 2010 and a massive, unexplored niche…

[Hilary Devey frowns – health investments are notoriously risky but everyone loves a good news story]

The problem with colostomy bags is they deny a man a fundamental human right – the right to produce an audible fart.

Let me explain – I have a colostomy bag which works perfectly but it tends to fill up with gas so the fully inflated bag can resemble Christopher Biggins’ face or one of those novelty hot air balloons you see near Bristol.

[Duncan Bannatyne impatiently raps his fingers over his wad of money]

Although there is a small vent intended to slowly release the air, this doesn’t work very well and this major problem isn’t even mentioned in the ‘Living With Your Colostomy’ booklets. Never mind ‘Sexual Relations and Intimacy’ – what about farts ?

So, in answer to the desperate pleas of men everywhere, ladies and gentlemen, I give to you – the ‘Colostomy Whoopee Bag’ ! This accessory simply attaches to the existing vent and allows the owner to discharge the bag while producing a realistic farting noise. The duration and volume can also be adjusted using these buttons.

18p to make in India. Sell for £7.99. Already secured a lucrative contract with the NHS. Any questions ?

Deborah Meaden interjects – ‘Frankly, this is a shit idea and I find the whole concept quite distasteful’. Duncan though is thinking ahead – ‘What about expansion ? What about diversification ? What about year 3 revenues ?’

Oh I’ve already thought of that – we are currently prototyping a ‘Colosto-stylo-o-phone” for the musically minded and trying to get Rolf Harris on board.

Also, for the larger man from north of the border, we are running clinical field trials evaluating ‘Colosto-bagpipes. This is an untapped market – quite literally’.

Duncan has heard enough – ‘That’s brilliant. I’ve heard enough. I’ll offer you all the money. But for 40% of your shitty little company’.